


the stars can wait for your sign (don't signal now)

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Smallville
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, Episode: s08ep14 Requiem, Grief/Mourning, I'm so sorry I don't know why I wrote this, M/M, NOW WITH A SEQUEL, POV Clark Kent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2018-12-31 13:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12133902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: This is what we have, Lex, he thought.Death and love and the universe standing still.(How do you say goodbye when it's too soon?)





	the stars can wait for your sign (don't signal now)

**Author's Note:**

> the unknown distance to the great beyond  
> stares back at my grieving frame  
> to cast my shadow by the holy sun  
> my spirit moans with a sacred pain  
> and it's quiet now  
> the universe is standing still
> 
> stay, don't leave me  
> the stars can wait for your sign  
> don't signal now
> 
> -goodnight, travel well  
> the killers  
> 08x14

 

**NOW HAS A SEQUEL:**

[requiem in reverse](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12816129)

 

 

The night air is thick with the scent of gasoline and smoke as Clark approaches the burnt out truck. His gait is unsteady and hands fisted at his side as he reaches the drivers side door. The frame is bent and scorched. The seat is in even worst condition. 

Gutted. 

Like me, Clark thought.

The worst damage is the damage we do to ourselves, Lex told him that once. It had sounded wise at the time but now it only sounded like a self fulfilling prophecy. Clark's nose burns and vision blurs as he reaches in and grasps a handful of ashes.

He'd walked the entire way in a fog, sobbing and trying to cobble together an adequate eulogy. Coming up with only memories. He'd thought of Cassandra and her vision from a lifetime ago. Did she know it'd end here, in an oil stained alley with hateful words? 

"You'll lose someone you care about," she'd said. 

He'd buried his dad and it had snowed that day. Lana had died once. Lex repeatedly. Drive slower, he'd told him in the beginning. Be careful. Meaning: You promised me a future and I can't lose you. But he had, hadn't he? Hadn't they? The loss was gradual and somehow that was worse. 

They were both to blame just as much as fate was in their cruel fairytale. Their destiny was written in the stars. In a cornfield. On a cave wall. An ending and beginning bookended by an explosion. Their fairytale was more cautious tale. More Romeo and Juliet than Cinderella.

They were never meant to have a happy ending.

Their choices defined them as much as fate did. 

Their story goes as such: the hero falls in love with the beautiful princess and turns back time to save her. The hero falls in love with the handsome prince and repeatedly saves him. He leaps through fire, wades through dirty river water, breaks laws and bones and his own heart without thinking twice. He takes a bullet for that scar above Lex's lip, for the chance to hold his hand, for the goodnight kisses and inside jokes. 

For the break up's and Talon coffee dates. 

For every time Lex tried to be good.  For forgiveness and fragile trust. 

For love.  

For love.

For love. 

 _Everything_ I loved, he thought.

The prince dies anyway.

It's a cruel joke on the hero.

 

Clark feels the loss in his bones. Feels his soul aching. 

 

Two years ago Lex had kissed his neck, carved their initials into a tree and called Clark the opposite side of his soul. This was one hell of a way to prove him right. Standing in the cool night air with his soul crying out: something is _wrong_ here. Knowing Lex wasn't himself in the end and hate was only love bleeding out. He never actually hated Lex though he'd came close. 

Tears gather in his eyes, stinging in a very human way that just isn't fair. But it had to happen, didn't it?

They had to lose. 

He clutches the ash. Sacred. It's supposed to hurt; that's how you know it's real, right? It was for him.

Too many unanswered questions that died with Lex. 

He holds him one more time. Ash and bone. Starlight. The wind blows and he looks to the night sky. 

 

Flashes back to pale skin and a sea of stars surrounding Lex. 

_"Don't give up on me yet, Clark."_

Too late.

 

If he had a second chance, he'd apologize. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I loved you so much that the thought of losing you frightened me enough to lie to just to keep you. I'm sorry the last words I ever said to you were hurtful. I'm sorry I let you slip through my fingers. Again. 

If he could go back, he'd chose Lex over his secret. Over his parents and Lionel. Over Lana and Smallville. 

He allows the remains to filter through his fingers. What he wouldn't give to change the past. Undo the damage. Bring Lex back and hold him as tight as he holds the ashes.

This is what we have, Lex, he thought. Death and love and the universe standing still. 

He clenches his jaw and turns his gaze to the moon. You always loved the sky at night, he thought. The wonder of it all. Constellations and their origins. Epics and your hand in my hair as you recalled them from memory. 

"We come from dust and return as dust."  That's what Dad used to say.

But he doesn't want dust. He wants Lex alive even if he despises Clark and wreaks havoc left and right. Showcases the Luthor in him. 

He wants Alexander Joseph Luthor. The prince in his castle. 

Too late for that, he thought. We ruined ourselves and each other. 

I should say something out loud, he realizes after a long moment of silence. It is a vigil after all. His throat feels tight and dry and the words refuse to come. How do you sum up the chaos and beauty that was Lex?

The way he kissed and gave himself over to Clark completely. The history facts and museum visits. The framed Warrior Angel comics and awe when he realized Clark cared enough to save him not once but many times over. 

How he latched onto love and fought for it, teeth gritted and practically begging for Clark's father's approval? How he'd shunned and pushed back at Lionel for years before the abuse was too much? 

The trauma that built Lex? The genuine pain and tears in his eyes every damn time Clark lied to him? Knowing he's the reason Lex finally snapped and stopped hiding from the darkness. 

What about the obsessive grudges and kryptonite? The last few years of utter hell for both of them? 

The love that was not enough to save him? 

How do you say goodbye when it's too soon? 

There was nothing he could say that felt right. Nothing to do but grieve. 

 

 _"I want you to remember what you lost,"_ Lex said with tears in his eyes. Wedding invitation in his hand as a pawn to strike back at Clark. Heartbreak can make a person lash out in ugly ways. 

 _"I never hurt you Lex,"_ Clark said. Before. 

He had though even unto the last minutes of Lex's life. Had kissed Lana right in front of him. Had allowed her to kiss him back. 

Not that Lex ever truly cared for her.

Clark, however, does _love_  her and losing her to Lex was hard but losing Lex to himself was even harder. _The opposite side of your soul_ \- L.L. - he knows he chose the wrong L.L. when Lex becomes dust and starlight. It was Lex who'd been his first real love. Lex who'd been in the cornfield the day Clark's life began and the riverbank when their lips touched and something clicked. 

Activated his powers as if fate were waiting for the right one to come along. 

It was Lex who'd said  _I love you_ first. 

Lex was who he'd sped off to save numerous times. Leaving Lana and his friends behind. Lex who he'd protected even as Ollie accused him of such and demanded Lex's life in return for  _Lionel_ causing his parents death. 

Yes, he certainly remembers what he lost. 

 

With a heavy heart and everything inside of him shrouded in black, he begins the long walk home. 

Heroes rarely get happy endings but they don't tell you that. Cassandra never warned him that fate could be this cruel.  To allow him to fall in love with the prince, with the dragon, and have him consumed by his own flame. 

 

Goodnight, he thought as he turned his back.

I'm sorry this isn't the future either of us wanted. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I like to pretend this never happened. That everything after s4 is a fevered dream - a nightmare and nothing more. Still I needed closure so here I am. 
> 
> Lex will return from the dead eventually and I'm going to pretend Clark apologizes and Lex swallows his pride, apologizes in his own way. No memory wipe. He helps Clark become the hero Lex always said he should be and they have Conner and argue over spoiling him too much and- 
> 
> Everything is beautiful again. 
> 
> Don't burst my happiness. Shh, this is how it ended. Clark got his closure, Lex got another second chance. Lionel's sorry ass stayed dead and Clark remembered how Lionel had hurt Lex many times over. Abused him. Maybe he'd even write a tell all editorial about the infamous Lionel Luthor, mm?
> 
> Oh and the "opposite side of the same soul" thing is from a comic where Clark finds a tree that has CK + LL carved into it. Conner makes that remark and Clark vaguely says (paraphrased) Yes, he once knew someone like that.
> 
> The title and song are from that episode and actually play during that scene and it shatters me. The rest of the lyrics, the entire song, hurts and fits them:
> 
> And everything you loved  
> And every time you try  
> Everybody's watching  
> Everybody cry


End file.
